I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize