Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
