he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
