you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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