I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
