who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We need to get me chipped asap
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
tell me about the eggs
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