I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
