he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
