I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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