i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
