My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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