I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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