right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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