Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
