Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
