My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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