Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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