i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
