that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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