Do you still have your period?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
