Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
