Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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