Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
