He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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