Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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