I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
