I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
