i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
