i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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