Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
