Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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