I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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