You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
not ubering you a puppy
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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