happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
