apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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