it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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