so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
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Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner