4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
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the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
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I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.