I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
