I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
