and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
