He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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