I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
