You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
