I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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