Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
