were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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