Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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