Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
