i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
