Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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