When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
