Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
