also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
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I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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