I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
