it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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