I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
