Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
